I was recently reading an interesting book called How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. Now this book has nothing to do with sex per se (it’s mainly about housework and mental health!), but it did get me thinking about sex…or lack thereof. In particular, it talked about the difference between motivation and task initiation.
Many people experience low motivation for sex. Low (or no) motivation for sex may feel like a sense that sex is pointless, that sex is just not a priority, that you have no sexual needs to be gratified, or that sex needs to be actively warded off.
Low sexual motivation can occur for a variety of reasons. For example, if sex has been unsatisfying or painful, if you experience chronic stress, if there are significant relationship problems, or if sex in your current life brings up traumatic memories from the past.
For some people though, the motivation to have sex isn’t the problem. Sex might seem like a great idea, enough conditions for good sex might be present, and sex may be quite fun when it happens. However, getting off the couch (literally or figuratively) may be the problem.
This difficulty in getting started is a particularly common scenario in longer-term relationships, for one or all partners. The early love-hormones have worn off, and making time for sex can become lower and lower on the priority list, even with the best of intentions.
And there are really valid reasons for it being hard to get sex started, such as:
- Tiredness when you do have time for sex;
- Lack of alone time and privacy, especially with small children or when living with parents;
- A busy life and lack of time to do other important things, pushing sex lower on the priority list;
- A sense that it’s never quite the right time to initiate; and
- A lack of spontaneous sexual desire (lust, horniness) when sex is possible.
Even when sex is possible and enjoyable when it happens, and there is the motivation to keep sex alive in a relationship, many barriers can get in the way over time. If this is the case, one idea is to focus some attention on task initiation.
Task Initiation
Task Initiation is the technical term for the ability to start a task. It includes the ability to overcome procrastination and other barriers to get a task started. Consider this example:
It’s a Saturday night and Rae has just sat down on the couch after an enjoyable but long day. The kids are finally in bed. The TV is on and Rae is warm and comfortable. The thought flickers through their mind that this might be the only opportunity this week for sex; they don’t feel actively horny but it would be a good time for sex and Rae knows they’d have a good time once they got started… but it is too hard to make the first move. It’s easier to just stay on the couch. Sex can wait. Maybe tomorrow night. Maybe next weekend.
In this example, it’s not the motivation per se that is missing, it is the task initiation that’s hard, the getting started bit. If motivation for sex or unenjoyable sex are the problem, then other strategies will be needed. To combat sexual inertia however, there are ways to tackle task initiation.
Task Initiation Ideas for Sex
Here are several ideas to help make the first move towards sex if getting started is the problem.
Interrupt what you’re doing
It can be hard to start anything new when the TV is on, when you’re scrolling social media, when you’re absorbed in a good book, when you’re doing chores, etc. Interrupt the moment by turning off the device, putting the activity away or finishing up the chore. Interruption allows head space to think about how you want to spend your time instead of just plodding on with what you’re doing.
Chunking into small steps
Think of the first small steps in moving towards sex and act on these easy wins. Perhaps it is asking if your partner is interested, turning off the TV, putting the heater on in the bedroom and brushing your teeth so you feel fresher. Create momentum by acting on the first small steps towards sex.
Allow a set time to procrastinate
Give yourself a countdown until you begin the first small steps towards sex. For example, you may give yourself ten more minutes to answer emails, and then it is time to warm up the bedroom and put some nice music on to transition into a more sensual mood.
Transition into a sexy headspace
It can be hard to switch straight from unpacking the dishwasher to stripping off naked, especially if the day has been busy or stressful. Adding in a sexy transition can help both your mind and your body to catch up. Some ideas for a transition include:
- Listening to erotica or a sexy story as you shower or pack up for the night – use an app such as Dipsea or Emjoy, listen to part of an erotic audio book on Audible or through a free online library app, or listen to a sexy podcast like AudioPorn by AudioDesires;
- Building a playlist of songs that speak to your body and playing this as you get ready for bed;
- Getting intimate in less sexual ways first – talking, sharing a long cuddle, giving each other a back scratch or a head massage before moving onto more actively sexual activities;
- Reading an erotic story with your partner/s on the couch or in bed – use an online erotica site like Literitoca, or buy/borrow a book of short erotica stories to your taste (you might be surprised by what your library stocks);
- Watching visual erotica – stream a sexy film or buy ethical porn. Use your favourite streaming service, buy ethical porn from a well curated erotica site like O’actually, watch hentai or erotic anime online, or browse sexy GIFs on your phone using an image site like Pinterest or Giphy.com.
*I don’t have any links or affiliations to the sites listed above.
Visualise a positive outcome
Instead of focussing on the effort to make sex happen, visualise the yummiest parts of sex – deep kissing, soft skin, nearing climax, pleasuring your partner/s, warm cuddles or whatever else floats your boat. Let your mind skim over the less sexy part where you clear laundry off the bed, and instead focus on the delights to come.
Speak kindly to yourself
Be compassionate with yourself about the barriers to sex that arise. If you notice that you are being harsh with yourself, try to rephrase your automatic thoughts.
Harsh or negative thoughts might sound like this: “Why is this so hard, there must be something wrong with me” or “I must not be a very sexual person anymore” or “I’m just lazy” or “I’ve failed my partner again”. These kinds of thoughts can slowly chip away at self-esteem. They are also demotivating and not sexy at all.
Realistic but kind words to yourself are more likely to help the situation in the long run. Building a kinder internal voice takes practice and might sound like this:
- “I do feel good once things get started, but it’s hard to get started”
- “I do want to work on this, but today it felt too hard”
- “This is normal, and we are working on ways to make sex easier”
Redefine success
It might be hard to know if you’re going to enjoy sex until you’ve started trying to get in the mood. This is especially the case if you are not feeling actively horny (spontaneous sexual desire), but instead waiting for responsive sexual desire (feeling arousal and desire once you get started ). There must always be the option to stop however – perhaps you discover that you actually are too tired or stressed to enjoy your body being touched today, or for whatever other reason, that you simply do not want to continue getting sexy.
Because it is vital to have permission to stop at any time, “success” can be redefined as taking the first steps towards sex, trying-on being sexy, or being open to a sexual moment and seeing how it goes. And if things don’t go as planned and you wish to stop or just have a cuddle instead, this is still a positive outcome of giving it a go and listening to your body. Better luck next time.
If you regularly find that taking the first steps towards sex does not lead to you wishing to continue, then there may be other barriers to sexual enjoyment to explore, such as negative triggers, chronic stress, and communication issues.
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Finally, be creative and be flexible where possible. Notice any unique ideas that come to mind as you read this. Tinker and suit these ideas to your life circumstances and relationship/s. And the best strategies may well change over time as you and your relationship/s change. Building a sex life that lasts over the many life stages you will go through can take a good deal of creativity and adaptation.
Written by Dr. Alice Hucker, Clinical Psychologist