Reposted from May 2015
Whilst a lot of what I write about here is aimed at enhancing people’s sex lives, it is also important to remember that having a good sex life does not have anything to do with getting it perfect.
Unfortunately, in our media saturated world, many people end up comparing their sex lives to the sexual pleasures and delights of movies and/or pornography.
Some of the messages that come from these depictions of sex are:
- Every time you have sex it should be mind-blowing;
- Beautiful people have better sex;
- Sex is never awkward;
- Sex is never slow building;
- Couples are always ready for penetrative intercourse after 5 seconds of kissing;
- Sex always involves penetration;
- No communication is necessary for pleasurable sex;
- A partner should automatically know how to please you;
- Safer sex is irrelevant;
- Certain sex acts are hotter than others;
- Only young, cisgender, able-bodied people have hot sex.
And even though we know it’s fiction, these messages can still get absorbed into our expectations about sex.
But really, this is FICTION.
Real-life sex is not like the movies. Real life great sex is not even like the movies.
A great real-life sex life is sometimes amazing and sometimes just nice; sometimes energetic and sometimes lazy; sometimes romantic and sometimes awkward; sometimes novel and sometimes routine.
Real-life good sex is varied and different for each person and relationship, and real-life sex involves real life people with real life bodies, feelings, beliefs, stresses, injuries, worries, fantasies and expectations – so it can never mimic 2D screen sex. And it doesn’t need to.
While Hollywood is about making sex look effortless and wonderful on screen, and porn is about providing an erotic product, real-life sex is where we get to explore our sexual needs and preferences, where we get to focus on connection, playfulness, and pleasure.
Building an enjoyable and sustainable sex life does need optimism and investment, but it also requires realistic expectations about ourselves, our bodies and our partner/s.
And real-life sex can be fun and sexy throughout the different ages and stages of life, not just when we are young, hot, tanned, perky, fit and have a full head of hair.
Written by Dr. Alice Hucker, Clinical Psychologist