Conditions for Good Sex

Satisfying sex is not a given in all relationships, and there are certain factors that can predict a more positive and sustainable sex life.

If enough of the conditions for enjoyable sex are met and prioritised, it is much easier to manage differences in sexual desire (desire discrepancies), to add novelty into your sex life, and to remain open and receptive to sexual experiences over a long-term relationship.

These factors can be grouped into 3 main categories: Healthy Body & Mind; Healthy Relationship; and Sexy Sex. Realistic Expectations are also needed.

Healthy Body & Mind

These factors are all related to us as individuals and what we bring into the sexual relationship.

Positive individual factors include:

• physical and mental health, and support for any health issues;
• positive attitudes about sex and masturbation;
• a positive view of yourself and your body;
• stress and anxiety management; and
• realistic expectations about different life stages and life challenges (cohabitating, pregnancy & post-partum, infertility, menopause, illness, “empty nest”, retirement).

Healthy Relationship

These factors relate to the relational context of your sex life – that is, the quality of your relationship/s and how much your relationship/s support positive sexual expression.

Positive relationship factors include:

• constructive communication skills;
• conflict management;
• fondness and interest in each other;
• attraction;
• trust and respect;
• quality non-sexual time together;
• shared values and goals; and
• a good sense of humour and playfulness.

Note: In a more casual sexual relationship or a one-off encounter, not all of these factors may be present. But, a more positive casual encounter is likely to occur if the casual relationship still holds respect, attraction, kindness and humour. Plus, openness to discussing and respecting safer sex practices and sexual boundaries.

Sexy Sex

Lastly, these are sex-specific factors that can help sex to feel sensual and sexy:

• sex that is free from unwanted pain;
• privacy (especially from children or when living with parents);
• setting the scene (e.g. de-cluttering the bedroom, lighting, music);
• allowing sufficient time and sexual activities to build arousal;
• being sexually responsive to each other’s needs;
• communicating about sexual preferences and needs;
• letting go and being present in the moment (mindfulness);
• pleasurable sexual techniques; and
• building a broad menu of enjoyable sexual activities.

Realistic Expectations

As you read through this list of Conditions for Good Sex, you may have thought “Oh no, I’m missing a factor!”

Luckily, not all stars have to be aligned in order to create and sustain good loving relationships and an enjoyable sex life.

There may be some factors that you want to work on over time, but if you have a reasonable amount of positive factors in each area, then this is a wonderful platform for enjoyable sexuality.

To read more about realistic expectation of sex, go here.

Written by Dr. Alice Hucker, Clinical Psychologist