Types of Sexual Desire

How would you describe sexual desire? Feeling horny. Lusting for someone. Fantasising about sex. A passionate drive to make love.

Well sure, if you’ve ever watched a movie with any kind of romantic or sexual theme, you know that this is how sexual desire is always portrayed. And if you’re not dog-with-a-bone about sex, then other dreaded phrases might come to mind: Frigid. Prude. Sexually repressed. Dead-fish.

Yeash, these are loaded phrases!

I have news though. There is not just one kind of sexual desire, not just the kind that blazes hot off the body. There are actually two distinct types of sexual desire, and any person may experience one, both or neither of them over their lifetime.

Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire

What western culture calls “sexual desire” or “sex drive” is better described at spontaneous sexual desire.

Spontaneous sexual desire is the type of sexual desire that comes up all on its own, seemingly out of nowhere or with the smallest of triggers. It is the type of sexual desire a person might feel before sex begins, triggered by things outside of a sexual event. The smell of a new lover’s hair, the feel of genitals rubbing on pant seams, or a steamy scene in a movie all have the potential to trigger spontaneous sexual desire.

One of the biggest and most unhelpful myths about sexual desire though, is the idea that spontaneous sexual desire (feeling horny) is the only kind of sexual desire. It isn’t though!

Research into sexual response demonstrates that many people do not often experience spontaneous sexual desire, or do not ever experience it. Instead, this research demonstrates that many people more often have the experience of responsive sexual desire.

Responsive sexual desire occurs after sexiness has begun, in response to sexual things. It goes like this:

• A person does not actively feel like sex, but they feel open to sex (“We’ve got time, why not?”);
• Once sexual initiation and touching has started, they then begin to feel arousal (“Mmm this is actually feeling quite good”);
• Because things are feeling good, they experience the desire to continue being sexual (“Yep, let’s keep doing more of this!”);
• If they have a satisfying time, this positive experience helps the person to feel open to sex again in the future (“Well last time was good, maybe this time will be good too!”).

But it used to feel so easy…

Many people experience more spontaneous sexual desire in the early stages of their relationships. This hubba-hubba phase is also known as limerence. And this makes sense: there is lots of novelty and excitement, we feel infatuated, and our bodies are full of lovey-dovey hormones that can increase desire and aid sexual arousal.

Over time though, after months of dating and perhaps beginning to live together, it is common for spontaneous sexual desire to decrease and even become non-existent for one or all members of a relationship.

Or, spontaneous sexual desire may still occur but only at lunchtime, while you’re at work, and nowhere near a partner. And then it may definitively not reappear at 9pm at night when you actually have the opportunity for a mattress dance.

It can feel like a real bummer when a change in the ease of sexual desire occurs. It can bring up frustration and grief, and these feelings are valid. It is also good to remember that this change is very normal. And it signals that it’s time to pivot in how we think about sex, and to stop relying on things just feeling easy. This is the time where more thoughtfulness and strategy around sex is necessary if sex still feels important in our relationship/s.

Which type of desire is better

Neither spontaneous nor responsive sexual desire is right or wrong, and both types of desire can lead to sexual pleasure and satisfaction. The key is to understand these different types of desire and work with them rather than against them.

One of the other big myths about sexual desire is that you should wait until you feel horny before initiating or having sex. Knowing about responsive sexual desire however, can help us to understand that sex can be started from a place of openness (“We’ve got time, why not?”) instead of having to come from a place of horniness.

If people who have more of a responsive style of sexual desire wait until they actively feel like sex at the exact time it is possible, they may be waiting a long time. Rather, people with a more responsive sexual desire style can focus on ways to foster an openness to sexual experiences and to trust that their body will respond to sensual and sexual touching once it has begun.

Fostering openness to sex

For people with a more responsive sexual desire pattern there are some major questions to consider:

• Do I want to invest time and energy into an ongoing sex life? Does this feel meaningful to me?
• What makes sex feel good and meaningful to me when it happens?
• Does my internal environment (mental state, stress levels, physical health, etc.) allow me to feel good about my body and about sex?
• Does my external environment (relationships, occupation, lifestyle, bedroom temperature, level of privacy, etc.) support me to feel good about my body and about sex?
• Do my partner/s and I take joint responsibility to make sex an enjoyable experience for our unique needs?

Answering these questions can lead to a range of creative ways to foster openness to sex. For a range of ideas on fosterong openness to sex when you predominantly experience responsive sexual desire, go here (article coming soon).

Pelvic pain and sexual desire

Whilst it can be very empowering to learn about different desire patterns, one of the biggest contributors to low desire for sex is pelvic/sexual pain. Pelvic pain can stem from an array of medical conditions and no amount of reframing sex as a good thing can magic this pain away. Good, targeted treatment is needed for pelvic pain, and yes it can get better. You can learn more about pelvic pain here and here.