For people who regularly experience fun and easy sex, it can be very easy to feel that sex is a valued part of their relationship/s. Add in sexual challenges though, and sex can start to feel more like a hinderance than a life-affirming activity.
When sex is feeling complicated, the value of sexual intimacy can get lost amongst worries about sex. These worries might include feeling unsexy, worrying about the frequency and initiation of sex, anticipating sexual pain, feeling guilty, or performance anxiety.
Nonetheless, for people who do want to work on sexual challenges, holding in mind why sex is important for them can be the beacon needed when things feel rough. And remembering the value of sex can actually require quite an active process, at least initially.
One way to do this is by identifying what you want sex to mean for you: What do you want sex to be about for you? What is the value of sex for your relationship/s? What were your hopes for your sex life earlier in your relationship/s? What does sex mean to your partner/s? What do you hope your sex life will be about in the future?
Your answers might include things like:
- Sex is a way that I experience physical and emotional closeness.
- Sex allows me to express my sexuality and sensuality.
- Sex gives us pleasure and satisfaction together.
- Making love is one important way that I feel loved and show love.
- Sex makes me feel connected and alive.
- Sex allows us to let go of our busy lives and just be together.
- Making love is a way to have fun and be playful together.
- Sex affirms the specialness of our relationship.
Good sex is never a matter of “just do it” – that is far too simplistic. When people have a clear idea of why sex is important to them however, they can use this meaning to stay grounded and hopeful as they navigate sexual challenges.
If sexual pain is part of the picture, then desire and motivation for sex can be particularly complicated. Evidence-based treatment for sexual pain can be very effective, and you can read more about this here.
Finally, sex is not desired or valued by all people, and this is normal too. Some people who experience no desire for sex or no sexual attraction may identify as asexual. AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) is a great resource for people who are asexual or questioning if they may be asexual.
By Dr. Alice Hucker, Clinical Psychologist