Reposted from September 2014
I am continually surprised by how many people do not talk about sex with their partner/s. But then again, it’s really not surprising given that sex can be awkward and anxiety-provoking to talk about. Also, communication around sex is not encouraged in many modern cultures.
In fact, it could be argued that we are actively taught not to talk about sex – just think of all the sex scenes in movies where everything happens in complete silence (minus the passionate music) and talking during sex is represented as an awkward interruption to the moment.
As a consequence, many people have never learnt how to discuss sex constructively. Many people feel quite uncomfortable even thinking about talking about sex. Other people may have tried, but then become disheartened if these chats didn’t go smoothly and brought up awkwardness, shame or conflict. And once again, sexual silence reigns.
Paradoxically, silence around sex can become the loudest conversation you ever didn’t have – the big, pink, poker-dotted elephant in the room.
Despite the silence that has been encouraged, honest and respectful communication around sex is one of the most powerful tools we can embrace in our sex lives. Communication can be the foundation that allows us to develop a sustainable and flexible sex life over time, rather than sex that is wonderful at the beginning of a relationship (when all the hormones and neurochemicals are racing) and then gradually creeps into boredom or “choredom” over time. And for some people, sex was never that enjoyable to begin with anyway.
So, if we were to talk more honestly about sex, what would we actually talk about? Maybe some of these things…
- The parts of sex that are going well, and the parts that aren’t feeling so great;
- Preferred frequency and timing of sex, and options to accomodate differences;
- Sexual and intimacy options for when one or all parties are sick, tired, menstruating, long-distance, etc;
- Sexual activities that are enjoyable, sexual activities that are no longer enjoyable, sexual activities that have never been enjoyable;
- Differences in desire for sex and intimacy;
- Things that are getting in the way of a positive sex life, like lack of privacy, stress, lack of time, medications and ill-health;
- How to try out sexual novelties like sex toys, role-play, dirty-talk, different locations, or fantasies;
- Sharing sexual fantasies and desires.
If you find that you avoid talking about sex but want to find ways to open up, here are some ideas.
Acknowledge the hard feelings
I encourage you to acknowledge that talking about sex can be difficult and awkward. We may feel vulnerable, we may feel embarrassed, we may feel shameful – but this does not mean that sex should be swept under the rug.
And this does not mean that talking about sex is embarrassing or shameful, it just means that it can feel that way. There’s a big difference.
Get started
Humans have an amazing capacity to feel anxious about something, but to go ahead and do it anyway if it is important. Instead of waiting for the the awkward or nervous feelings to go away, we can instead coach ourselves to have conversations about sex while sitting with discomfort. We can use strategies like helpful self-talk, starting with smaller or easier topics, or writing down what we want to say beforehand.
If you feel awkward and uncomfortable, one way to get started is by saying so. It might go something like this: “Honey, I feel a bit awkward saying this, and I don’t really know where to start…but I’d like to talk about what happened in bed this morning.”
Think about the timing
Some sexual communication is helpful to have during sex – like suggestions on how you would like to be touched in the moment. Meanwhile, bigger discussions may be better to talk about when you are not having sex. Perhaps not even in the bedroom.
Think about when might be a reasonable time and place to start talking about sex. Some factors to consider are privacy, fatigue (no good discussion ever happens when we are super tired), setting, motion (some people prefer to talk while walking or driving), and time available. However, there is usually no perfect time that means we will avoid all discomfort.
Use constructive communication to stay connected
Knowing some basic communication skills for intimate conversations can go a long way. Read this article for some ideas about how to talk about your feelings, the importance of understanding each other before problem solving, and how to validate each other’s perspectives.
Open things up
Finally, you don’t have to have it all figured out in order to start a conversation. It’s okay to open up the conversation and see where it goes. After all, if you had all the answers to begin with, you wouldn’t be needing the conversation in the first place. Let the responsibility be shared. Sometime it can take several conversations to get traction on something and find realistic solutions.
Written by Dr. Alice Hucker, Clinical Psychologist