What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness is the practice of bringing our attention to the present moment in an open, non-judgmental manner. It is the skill of consciously bringing our attention to the here and now, and it is a form of meditation that can help with many day-to-day issues.
Mindfulness is a skill that can be learnt with practice. Research on mindfulness practice suggests that it is helpful in many different areas of life such as stress reduction, mood improvement, anxiety reduction, sleep and pain management.
To learn more about the general benefits of mindfulness, you can watch this video:
Smiling Mind – Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation (3 minutes)
Mindfulness and sex
Over the past 10 years, research has looked into the benefits of mindfulness for sexual pleasure and sexual difficulties. Because of its positive benefits, sex therapy commonly includes mindfulness to help with a range of sexual challenges including painful sex, difficulties with arousal and orgasm, performance anxiety and low sexual interest.
Key ingredients to mindfulness
Mindfulness is not just a present moment focus. There are several other important aspects of mindfulness that make it helpful.
Curiosity and non-judgment
Instead of evaluating experiences as good or bad and right or wrong, mindfulness encourages us to just notice rather than judge; to be curious about what is happening rather than evaluating our experiences.
Observation
Mindfulness is the act of noticing what is happening in the moment, and observing both external experiences (things occurring outside of ourselves) and inner experiences (thoughts, feelings, sensations) at any one moment.
Acceptance and openness
Rather than comparing an experience to something else (like what we wish we were experiencing), being mindful means accepting our experience just as it is right now. Acceptance is not about resignation though – people can be working towards a change in themselves or their relationship, while still accepting each moment as it currently is.
Deliberate refocusing of attention
Mindfulness is not easy and it involves the continual, deliberate and gentle refocusing of attention when we notice that we’ve become distracted.
Mindfulness is the practice of bringing our attention to the present moment in a manner that is curious and non-judgemental. Mindfulness involves the deliberate, continual and gentle refocusing of attention.
Mindless sex
Before we look at why mindfulness is beneficial to our sex lives, let’s first think about what sex without mindfulness looks like – that is, mindless sex.
Mindlessness is when our attention is not on the present moment, and when our attention is not curious, open-minded and non-judgmental. Mindlessness can have a significant impact on sexual experiences. Some examples of this are:
- Feeling distracted during sex by thoughts about other things – eg. work issues, what the kids are up to, what our body’s look like.
- Getting caught up in what should or could be happening, rather than focusing on what is actually happening. This may include comparing to the past – eg. “Sex used to feel better”.
- Feeling disengaged or disconnected from our partner/s or feeling bored.
- Being out-of-tune with how our body is responding and not noticing the more subtle, pleasant sensations.
- Getting caught up in negative anticipations of what sex will be like – eg. “I’m too tired to enjoy this”, “I’m going to mess up again”.
Mindful sex
The alternative to mindless sex is mindful sex. Being more mindful and fostering a present moment focus can help to address many of the issues that people commonly experience during sex.
Awareness of unhelpful thoughts
Thoughts are not facts, they are more like stories or narratives we tell ourselves, and they often have a rather negative tinge. Mindfulness can help us to notice the thoughts and mental distractions that get in the way of satisfying sexual experiences.
Tuning into the five senses
By having more mindful moments and noticing the thoughts that distract us, we have the opportunity to bring our attention back to our bodies and our partner/s during sex. This means we can more fully engage in the five senses – sight, sensation, taste, smell, sound.
Less self-judgement and ‘spectatoring’
One way that people are commonly distracted during sex is by monitoring their behaviour – this is known as ‘spectatoring’. Spectatoring can bring up a lot of “shoulds” – “I should be more confident”, “I should be more aroused” – instead of enjoying what you are doing and feeling. By practicing mindfulness, we can prevent ourselves from dipping deeply into these self-judgements and instead stay more self-compassionate.
Increased connection with your partner
A nice side effect of mindfulness can be a deeper connection with your partner/s during sex because you are more engaged in the moment. This increased connection between lovers can enhance sexual experiences.
Leaving stress at the door
Lastly, mindfulness practice can help to manage some of the day-to-day challenges that easily impact sexual enjoyment – such as stress, low mood and mental fatigue.
Exercise – mindful breathing
Now it is time to experience what mindfulness is by listening to a guided mindfulness recording. This exercise uses a present moment focus on the breath to demonstrate the practice of mindfulness. While this may feel quite unrelated to sex, it is important to start with the basics of mindfulness and learn how to practice the skill in day-to-day life as a first step.
Why so hard?
One common misunderstanding about mindfulness or meditation is that the goal is to “clear your mind”. Therefore, many people will say “I’ve tried meditation before, and it didn’t work for me. My mind just races too much.”
But their mind is doing exactly what is was designed to do – to think, to ruminate, to worry, to analyse – because all of these mind-activities have survival benefits to humans.
When humans emerged tens of thousands of years ago, the landscape was very different to how we live now. There were many predators to fear and finding edible, non-poisonous foods was far more hit-and-miss. The human brain evolved to constantly scan the environment for trouble. And it therefore developed a negative bias (ie. it remembers nasty experiences more readily than pleasant experiences) so as not to make the same mistakes twice.
Our environment has changed substantially over the centuries, but our brains have changed very little. This means we still have the tendency to worry and ruminate, even when we know it is not directly helpful in the moment or may be making things worse. For this reason, mindfulness (non-judgmental present moment focus) does not come easily, and aiming to “clear the mind” often leads to frustration rather than zen-like contentment.
Instead of trying to clear the mind, mindfulness practice can be thought of as brain-training – every time your mind wanders or judges, it is an opportunity to gently draw yourself back to the present moment. If your mind didn’t wander and worry, you wouldn’t be able to practice. And without practice, you wouldn’t be able to draw on the skill when needed in day-to-day life and during sexual intimacy.
To ease the unnecessary pressure of keeping a clear mind, we can focus instead on just cultivating more mindful-moments. We can all do this some of the time already – an example of how you probably already have mindful moments would be a time when you were doing an engrossing activity and you became completely absorbed in the moment, even just for a minute. Or perhaps while eating something delicious, looking at a beautiful sunset, or listening to a good song.
With practice, we can have more choice about where our focus goes; when we ordinarily would become judgmental or distracted from the present, we can start to notice this as it happens and then choose where to focus. We can also learn to label the judgments as just thoughts, not facts.
Formal versus informal mindfulness
Most people reading this won’t have the goal of getting really good at mindfulness for its own sake. They want a less busy mind in bed, an increased ability to experience pleasure and connection, less anxiety during sex, less sexual pain or discomfort, or better communication. And mindfulness is just one of the ways to start working on these goals.
There are two main ways to go about practicing mindfulness: formal and informal practice.
Formal practice
To begin learning about mindfulness and to get a good feel for it, brief formal mindfulness exercises are recommended. This means stopping what you’re doing and going through a meditation practice like Mindfulness of the breath. This can be done by using a guided recording, or just by taking yourself through the exercise on your own. Initially, it is a good idea to practice formal mindfulness for 5-10 minutes each day to become more familiar with the skill.
Informal practice
Informal mindfulness practice is when we bring mindful awareness and curiosity to something we’re already doing – like eating, talking, driving, or kissing. This is something that can be practiced straight away, but becomes easier over time and with some initial formal practice.
Formal practice – brief daily mindfulness
Over the course of the next week, try to practice Mindful Breathing for just a few minutes each day. If you miss one day, that’s fine, just get back into it the next day.
To do so, you can either use the guided recording here, or practice on your own with a timer. You could also use a mindfulness app or search for online videos to access a variety of free recordings. Some popular apps include:
- Headspace (free trial)
- Smiling Mind
- Insight Timer (use search term ‘Mindfulness’)
Remember that you are not trying to clear your mind, but simply choosing to refocus your attention back to the present moment whenever your mind wanders off.
Note: Some people feel very uncomfortable focussing on their breath. Feel free to search for a different guided mindfulness exercise like a Mindful Body Scan or Leaves on a Stream (mindfulness of thoughts).
Making the time
One of the biggest practical barriers to practicing mindfulness is remembering to practice and making the time. Like any new habit, extra effort is needed initially and we often can’t just rely on our own memory. Here are some tips for getting started with a brief daily mindfulness practice:
- Decide on the time of day that best suits you for the practice and dedicate this time everyday.
- Put a mindfulness reminder in your phone.
- Put up a sticky note that will remind you each day – eg. in the fridge, in your car, next to your kettle or toothbrush.
- Enrol a partner or friend to practice with you.
Informal practice – wandering mind
Over the course of the next week or so, try to notice when your mind is wandering away from a pleasant experience. This may be while eating, masturbating, watching a movie, kissing, having a bath, reading, or any other pleasant activity. Once you’ve noticed that your mind has wandered, try saying to yourself “thank you mind for doing your job, but for now I’m focusing on X” and gently bring your attention back to what you are doing.
You may like to write down the thoughts that distract you as this can help us to see thoughts just as thoughts rather than facts. You may also notice themes that emerge over several days. Themes in your wandering mind might include worries about work, tasks to be completed, concerns about yourself or others, or worries about what other people are thinking. Just take note of what comes up as you notice your wandering mind.
Other resources
If you would like to learn more about mindfulness in general, and how it can help with stress and overall wellbeing, you can use this free online course:
This Way Up – Intro to Mindfulness Course
Written by Dr. Alice Hucker, Clinical Psychologist